Monday, February 8, 2010

Tiger 3.0: A 7 Step Plan

Since Tiger Woods decided to undergo his "therapy" in my hometown, I have been asked repeatedly "what's Tiger's next move" ? Seeing only one way to get the REAL story on this, I reached out to an old friend (recently paroled, but who cares) who happens to be an employee of said rehab facility to get his take on the sitch. Not only was my old buddy (let's call him "the Chemist") able to shed some considerable light on this, he was shrewd enough to make some secret recordings of what he heard notes about what he saw. It seems that his job as the person who lurked outside Tiger's suite as often as possible who was responsible for making sure Tiger's suite was well stocked with fruit and bottled water allowed him easy access to secretly record all their conversations to closely observe Tigers progress.
Based on the tapes notes that the Chemist provided me, Bushwood is prepared to reveal Tiger's top secret strategy to reclaiming his rightful throne as the biggest horndog alive the world's greatest golfer.

Get ready for Tiger 3.0...
Move #1: Get rid of the Blue/Gray on Thursday, Red shirt on Sunday look. We are the now the BAD GUY, so we are embracing it. There are now only two wardrobe choices: (1) All Black (complete with black wraparound sunglasses), and (2) Full Camo. We are here to kick ass and take names, not sell shirts or make Tida and her dumb ass hats happy.
Move #2: Fire Stevie Williams. That's right get rid of the nasty,smelly,worn-out Aussie. Replace him with Heidi Montag. Not only is she a smokin' hot blonde with double G's, but as often as she has her "procedures" done, no one will recognize her from week to week - which means to the world, Tiger will have A DIFFERENT hot blonde carrying his bag every week. Oh, and the dress code for Heidi...let's just say we are gonna let Pamela Anderson be in charge of that...(yep, she's on the payroll too)
Move #3: Fire the wimpy sponsors (Nike,TAG,etc) - we don't need em, and we don't care what they think.
Move #4: Pack heat - That's right, not only will Tiger be carrying a "Bimbo du jour" at his side, he will be packing a .40 caliber automatic handgun on his left hip, too. Think he had a problem earlier with dudes snapping cameras in his backswing...not anymore. Think Tony Montana saying "say hello to my little friend"...
Move #5: In his first tournament back, he asks Sergio and Colin Montgomery to come over for a little chat...and then he breaks out his newly learned (from Elin !) bad a$$ ninja moves on em. He shatters Monty's right knee with one kick, crushes Sergio's honker with the palm of his hand, and then snaps BOTH of his forearms like so many pretzels (that should make Sergio's latest WAG show him how much she REALLY loves him). Tiger then walks calmly to the putting green as if nothing happened, and strokes a few in the hole.
Move #6: Gone are the fist pumps and the benign motions to the crowd...Tiger hires Chad Ochocinco (it's the offseason for the NFL, ya'll), and they team up for a bad a$$ version of the Birdie Boogie after every birdie, complete with a full on spike of the Black Noodle, and a lap around the green while carrying the flag.
Move #7: Ah, lucky #7.... Well,since he has fired Nike, he is free to play any ball he wants. He buys the rights to an existing ball currently made by MaxFli, borrows a marketing idea from an old Nike ball, adds some Cialis to the "mix", and whips out on the unsuspecting public his new trademark ....that's right, it's the
"Black Noodle - It's Long, It's Hard, It's Here to Play...
He then returns to the Tour, and proceeds to win the Accenture Match Play event without losing a SINGLE hole, accepts the trophy, and promptly smashes it over Johnny Millers melon...
Now THAT, my golfing friends, is how Tiger just BLOWS UP on ya!!!


Patricia Hannigan said...

You know what? Just between you and me I'd prefer that to a weepy, apology. I don't know why exactly, but I don't want to see Tiger apologize, I just want to see him play better than ever.

Heather said...

I'd rather see him come out playing lights out golf too. However, it'd be cool if he started signing an autograph for a kid or two.

MORE THAN ANYTHING, I would love to see him do a lap around the green with the flag after the Birdie Boogie!